Forgive me, friends, for I have sinned. It's been longer than I care to think about since my last confession. You probably imagine me leading a carefree life of bucolic bliss: wandering through the woods foraging for pristine delicacies; plucking tender vegetables from my garden; traveling to exotic places; whipping up epic feasts...and there are certainly times when all this is true. But, oh, there are other times. And those I tend to keep to myself, tamped down in a dark and moldy spot.

Why would you want to know about my fears and foibles and failings? That all smacks of dirty laundry and this is meant to be a place of inspiration. But deep down I know that what we often find most uplifting has nothing to do with perfection and everything to do with the full spectrum of our shared humanity.

I know that everything has cycles. The moon, the sea, the seasons—and we do, too. Up and down we go, riding the waves, caught up in rhythms both of our own making and beyond our control. That photograph above? It captures a moment that I look back upon with great nostalgia. It was a golden time, when I shared a house with friends on Peconic Bay and life seemed to be a magical series of sun-kissed days and drunken evenings. But nothing is ever that simple and the next phase took me into some very dark places where I saw my sense of self crumble and someone I love die.

All this by way of telling you that things have been a bit of a struggle of late. I came down with what I thought was Lyme disease a few weeks ago and dutifully took the antibiotics. But after two tests came back negative for antibodies, I began to suspect maybe it was more like exhaustion. And then I had a gallbladder attack last week, a painful doubling-over that was quite scary. The body tells us when things are not right and together these two events became a wake-up call. I have been working too hard. Worrying too much. Losing my perspective.

Since childhood, I have struggled to prioritize my own needs. I have always been a caretaker of others and, though I generally do a pretty good job of looking after myself, sometimes I forget. The narrative thread that runs through my life is one of over-functioning followed by resentment. I was fascinated to hear my nutritionist tell me that the gallbladder is the seat of resentment—makes sense, since this is where all our bile is concentrated! Her main counsel to me—aside from not combining proteins (ie no meat with cheese) and eliminating nuts and red meat from my diet—was to do what makes me happy. How hard can that be? Ha.

I have also enlisted the help of a holistic health coach, a wise and loving woman who is going to support me in my quest to prioritize my fitness and my creative life. We had our first session yesterday, and I am excited at the prospect of doing more of what's really important to me and less of the "duties" I take on. 

I'm sharing this for several reasons. I want to be real with you and to show you the full texture of my life. I want you to believe that evolution is possible, regardless of your age. I want you to reach out for help when you need it. The tendency to isolate when we feel angry or ashamed is not a helfpul impulse. Asking for support from your community is one of the most healing things you can do for yourself. Maybe you can't afford a nutritionist or a health coach or a therapist, but we all need friends who see us as we really are and who are there for us in a time of crisis. 

I am feeling better now. Hopeful, energized, resolved. I am still working hard, but I am eyeballing that hammock in the corner of the screened-in porch and, if it ever stops raining, I'll be taking a nap there soon.